Control.

*This post was written on 3rd October 2020*

This is a post I'm unsure if I'll ever post. I just need to get my feels out as I have hardly slept, so here goes.

I am pregnant. Almost 21 weeks pregnant. Some people know but a lot do not. We've left it an awkwardly long to announce and although I keep going to something holds me back.

I thought it could be that we want to keep this for us in our iso bubble. I thought it could be that I don't want to share happy news in such a dismal time when so many are suffering. I also couldn't help but feel that that something in my gut kept telling me to wait.

This pregnancy has been harder than my first. My body has suffered in a lot of different ways which is all part of the amazing miracle of life and I am grateful for it. In particular, I have had intense pain in my pelvis and pubic bone which grows more uncomfortable by the day.

Yesterday we had our 20-week scan, the baby is doing amazing. Healthy, anatomy all perfect and thriving in the womb. We left the scan feeling elated and excited for the future.

Then I received a call from my Obstetrician who I wasn't scheduled to chat with till the following week. Something is wrong.

I answered knowing that something was different but didn't know what it was exactly. It's my placenta. It's low and until it lifts (if it does at all) I have to be very careful until my next scan at 35 weeks...that's 14 weeks away. She listed some things that I cannot do starting from now and if I have a bleed (she mentioned bleeding a few times) I needed to come straight in.

Enter the doubt...Enter the fear...Happy Friday night. My mind began to spiral

I began to think about the whole process of having a baby. Conceiving, carrying a child, delivering a child, raising a child. It is something we have absolutely no control over and we have to be ok with that. Nothing is certain and none of it is easy. It's incredible but challenging. You just have to keep going whatever the outcome.

So there it is. My brain dump of thoughts from the last 12 hours. Thank you for reading and allowing me to share this with you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Upon reflection today 24th June 2021 I still remember how this felt. My heart was breaking at the thought of what I could have done to have caused this. The guilt that I somehow felt. My mind was trying so hard to find a positive in a not-so-positive situation. This was an obstacle that I was able to overcome thankfully and through it all the baby was incredibly healthy so that is what I clung to. This was halfway through an amazing story of life and those of your that know me will know how things turned out but for those of you that don't, please stay tuned for the next installment xo